A dormant orchid
Exploding into full bloom
Again, she rises
A few years ago that text would have destroyed me. It would have sent me back to my solitude to lick my wounds for a few years, vowing once again to retire from the idea of meeting someone. Just like the one before you and the one before him.
Different men. Same story.
Every. Single. Time.
Imagine my surprise to wake up this morning after a perfect night’s sleep. Not a minute lost wondering what I did or could’ve done differently.
My intuition knew before you sent your rambling explanations. I lost my sleep, questioned myself, cried my tears and moved on long before you decided to alleviate your guilty conscience with a self serving apology.
When your “I’m sorry” came, it was a relief to finally close your chapter in my life. It was liberating to say goodbye and wish you the best with the perfect peace of mind that this time I did everything right and don’t have a single regret. And I do truly wish you the best. I hope you don’t get lost in the weeds constantly pursuing greener grass.
A couple months ago I thought your part in my life was to show me I haven’t saved up enough emotional capital yet to invest in new relationships.
Oh how wrong I was!
Over the past sixteen months you chipped away until all my walls came crashing down. In your exit, I find no desire to rebuild them. This time there will be no retreat to the comforts of solitude.
This time I will keep my heart open and carry on.
I will not apologize for my feelings
when stepping on them
makes you uncomfortable
I will wait because I know the one I have been created for will be worth the years I’ve spent in solitude putting myself back together.
You are not him.
Or maybe you’re just not him yet.
We’re both going through some things and just figuring it all out.
Oh how I wish we could be going through them and figuring them out together.
But there is a reason for this distance.
There are answers in this silence.
Maybe one day we’ll meet up again at the right place and in the right time in our lives.
Or maybe we won’t.
And if this is where we part, then let me wish you all the best and send you on your way.
Maybe you are just another bend in my journey that leads me where I’m meant to be.
A journey that leads me to the someone that was created and waiting for me.
So here we are again with a thought that wants to turn into words and no where else to write them.
For a minute I let something in my head. I let it consume me and make me feel confused, sad and small. Then I remembered who I am. I remembered how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am. I reminded myself that in the grand scheme of things, this is a blip on the screen and in a year this probably won’t matter.
For a minute it stung. I guess because it showed me that I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was and there is still work to be done to get to that point.
Two things I don’t give away easily: my time and my vulnerability. Because they are precious to me and I don’t want them wasted.
These things are emotionally expensive. And even though I’ve spent years building the emotional capital, I don’t think I can afford this yet.
It’s a numbers game and you’re not supposed to put all your eggs in one basket. But I don’t have the time or the energy to carry around a bunch of eggs in a bunch of different baskets.
So I’ll accept the moment for what it was and I’ll appreciate what it taught me. I’ll keep working on me and one day, I might be ready again.
I have 52 drafts in my blog. 52 times that I opened my blog and then gave up because I just couldn’t figure out what to say. That seems to be the story of my life. Eager on the start only to fizzle out and quit. Follow through has always been my weakness. Procrastination always gets the better of me and I resign the attempt to the black hole of “later”. I think it would be fair to say that one of my bigger flaws is always thinking there’s going to be more time. There always seems like there is so much time.
Until time runs out.
So here I am. Three years, three months, two weeks and two days from the last time I was able to finish a thought. It’s hard to believe how much has happened in what seems like such a short amount of time. My daughter is almost grown now. I’ve been promoted several times at work. I bought a house. I’ve made some incredible friends. I’ve been able to manage the depression and anxiety without medication. I’ve helped rescue a lot of dogs. That’s not to say that the past three years hasn’t been without its challenges. The kid’s dad stopped paying child support. My mom and I had a huge falling out and we’re just now starting to speak to each other again. And I got sick.
Since 2003 I’ve been treating life like one big “How to be an Adult” check list. I went to school. I got degrees. I started my career. I bought a home. I tried finding a partner, but failed too hard at dating and crossed that off the list. The next thing to address was my health. For years I’ve put my health on the back burner. Circling that black hole of “later”. I was always too busy and too broke to go ask a doctor why certain things were happening. But I was never too busy or broke to google my symptoms and diagnose myself with a hundred different cancers. Have a symptom? WebMD has a cancer for that. I went to a few doctors and got the same prescription to “take birth control pills and lose weight”. I’d start a pack of pills but then the side effects would kick in or the money would run out and I’d give up. My symptoms would get worse, I’d get depressed. I’d gain more weight, get more depressed and give up even harder.
Then my symptoms got worse. Eventually I couldn’t ignore it anymore so I found a new doctor. One very painful endometrial biopsy later and learned I have Complex Atypical Hyperplasia. There’s several different types of hyperplasia. I have the one that’s almost cancer or already cancer. Turns out WebMD wasn’t too off base.
So here I am. Two days from surgery. A total hysterectomy. I just turned 36. I thought there would be more time. I thought I would get my life together enough to meet someone to build a family with. I thought I could have another chance at motherhood. I thought I could give Jessica a sibling to look after her when I’m dead and she’s elderly. I thought if I did the right things and checked off the boxes on my list I’d reach that point where I had enough to offer someone and get a chance at happy ever after.
I thought I’d have more time.
And then time ran out.
I’ll never have a chance to experience a pregnancy that’s met with “congratulations” instead of “what are you going to do?” and “it’s not mine”. I won’t get to feel a life grow inside of me again. It’s easy to convince yourself that you don’t want something when you just think it’s not going to happen. I’ve spent a long time telling myself I didn’t want to have more babies because I was scared to have another kid with Down’s. But when the door actually closes, when the bridge actually burns, suddenly it starts feeling like the only thing in the world that you want. Suddenly everyone is pregnant and there are babies everywhere. People laugh when you say you want another baby. They dismissively say “no you don’t” like they have a clue and it hurts. You stand in front of the mirror pushing your stomach out remembering what it was like to have a baby bump, running your hand over the memory. You pour over your only child’s baby pictures and wonder how the hell 17 years went by so damn fast. Where did all the time go?
I’ve found myself falling deeper into my well of self pity drowning in the sadness of what I’m losing. On the outside I make jokes and laugh and pretend that I’m okay. But inside my house when everyone is asleep I fall apart. I get sad and angry that I have to go through this. It seems cruel and unfair. I get scared thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I panic wondering will happen to my daughter, my dogs and my house if I don’t wake up from this. Then the loneliness kicks in when there’s no one to hold my hand or hug me and tell me that this is all in my head and that everything is going to be okay.
Tonight is the last night I’m allowing myself to be sad, angry and scared. Tonight when everyone is asleep, I’ll lay in bed reminding myself how incredibly blessed I am. Instead of letting my brain think about about what I’m losing or what could go wrong, I’m going to focus on everything that I’m gaining by having this surgery. I’ll no longer be in constant pain. No more periods that send me to the emergency room. I won’t be at risk for endometrial, uterine or ovarian cancer anymore. No more painful biopsies. I wont be as tired all the time and my brain won’t be as foggy. I’ll be on the right mix of hormones so I can better manage my PCOS.
Tonight I’ll wipe away the tears. I’ll take a deep breath. I’ll fall asleep knowing that even though time has run out on me having more children, this surgery is going to make sure that I have more time to spend being a mother to the daughter that I already have.
And at the end of the day, I think that’s a win.
One year, one week and five days.
That’s how long it’s been since I graduated.
That’s how long it’s taken for me to finally utter the words
I GOT A JOB!
After I graduated I went through what can only be described as absolute financial hell. I lost over a third of my income. I went through a series of job rejections. I ended up on food stamps. At one point things were so bad that I would let my daughter stay up late at night, so that she would sleep late during the day in order to conserve food. We were down to a meal and a snack per day. Things were grim.
Then I got landed a job with a temporary agency. I started working at my old school as a financial aid technician. Slowly I started clawing my way out of absolute poverty. This is the closest I’ve ever been to financial stability. I’ve managed to establish some savings and even start paying on some student loans. I’ve been able to afford the little things that on the surface don’t matter but deep down they really do. I was able to buy my daughter everything she wanted for her school dance. I was able to pay for car repairs from savings and still have money left over.
The only down side is that I’ve been rather miserable. I hate my job and I hate my boss. She’s probably the worst boss I’ve ever had. She’s basically a condescending bitch that has never learned how to be an effective leader. Every day I go to work and waste 8 hours of my life doing something a trained monkey could do. Most of the time I do absolutely nothing. Even when I am doing something, I’m not doing anything that I went to school to do. I have still been applying for other jobs and still going on interviews. I keep getting the standard “You have no experience” or “You’re over qualified”. None of the jobs I’ve applied for are things that I really want to do. They have just been jobs that pay a decent wage.
But that’s all changed now!
Today I got the call with a job offer. They even offered me a higher starting salary than we discussed in the interview. Words cannot express how excited I am. I feel like I’ve finally arrived at where I’m supposed to be. I finally feel like everything is coming together.
I’ve spent most of my life not having a clue what I want to do. This past year has been such an incredible learning experience. I got to spend a lot of time just learning about me and I finally have a clear picture of where I want my life to go. Even better, I feel like I’m finally making steps in that direction!
I only have one week left at my job. Then I’m off on a new adventure in a new career.
It’s been a long time since I was this happy.