I open this up and start to blog but then it just feels like so much effort. I’m not even sure I have that much to say, or that anyone is even interested in reading it. I’ve quit therapy and my meds again. It’s been a few months and I can already feel the decent into that downward spiral. I can imagine the exasperated sighs from people I know wondering why I keep doing this. I can’t really explain it. I guess it’s just one of those things one would have to experience to understand. For the most part I’ve been okay. My success in my summer class and getting a car have done well to elevate my mood. I’ve been getting A’s again and that feels great. It’s been so long since I’ve made an A in anything math related.
It started feeling like I was getting back to myself. Serious about mathematics again, interested in research and looking at job possibilities. For awhile it seemed like things were looking up. But now it’s feeling like I’ve peeked. I can feel myself sliding back down in the fear and sadness. I feel myself retreating back into invisibility. It almost feels comforting. As much as I hate feeling this way, it’s a norm that I know.