It’s been awhile. Usually a lapse in writing means that things are going swell and I’m out living life and being happy. The gaps in my entries are usually good things. I wish that was the case this time. Back in February I got sick. Long hospital stay, phantom infection, failed surgery… the works. Since then I’ve been trying to focus on getting better and graduating. Happy to say that I’m doing well on both counts. The number of pain free days is increasing and I’m only four projects, and a few exams away from two degrees.
I still can’t believe it’s almost over. I’ve been at this university thing for so long. I feel like I’m just now starting to get the hang of it. I’m just now figuring out how it all works and it’s over. I feel like I’m getting ready to leave the nest. This school is my home, these people feel like my family. We may not be close but they’re the people I see every day and it’s going to be strange not being around them. I’ll miss the banter with my professors and the commiserating with my classmates. I’ll miss the cats, the pink roses, and the bells at noon. I think most of all I will miss my daydreams. I’ve spent four years building fantasies and plans for what I’ll do after graduation. Now I have to face the fact that most of those plans will probably never happen. I hear my classmates talking about their internships, grad schools and job offers. And while I’m excited and genuinely happy for them, I can’t help but feel a bittersweet pang of envy.
I feel like the only thing I’ve learned in college is everything that I did wrong. From picking the wrong degrees to not gaining enough practical experience. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m graduating with over $100,000 in debt, questionable health, and no job prospects. It’s quite overwhelming.
How can I be on the threshold of the biggest achievement of my life and still feel like a failure?
This is the moment I’ve been dreading. Disappointing everyone that’s had so much confidence in my eventual success.