I don’t think I was expecting anything. I think I was just caught up in the excitement of actually meeting someone in this temporary hell that I could mesh with. He was interesting, and we had things in common. He was someone I could talk to for hours, or just lay down with and not say a word. It’s been so long since I’ve had that with someone and I’ve missed it dearly. So I don’t think it was an expectation that things would go well, I think it was more wishful thinking brought on by initial euphoria.
So when things changed so abruptly it caught me off guard. I don’t understand what happened. One day he was so keen, and the next he was completely distant. We still talk, but it’s nothing like it was in the beginning. Which is such a melancholy thought since “the beginning” was only a few weeks ago.
Is it possible to miss something you never really had? Because I feel as if I genuinely miss him, though our time together was so brief. Perhaps I just miss the idea of him. But even that doesn’t see quite adequate. I talk to him and there’s this pang of longing. It’s as if I’m just hanging on waiting for him to remember that he fancied me not too long ago. Or perhaps I’m just trying to gather the nerve to call him out on it. Maybe the truth is that I’m scared to collect on the honesty he promised me.
Maybe we’re just going through the motions. Each of us sending out our subtle cues, waiting each other out to see who will take the baited hint. Will I give up and let him go, or will he see me again the way he saw me before?
It seems I never get it right and the happy ever afters just don’t exist for me.