Another spring break is coming to a close and I’m sitting here
procrastinating reflecting on the events thus far. It’s been a pretty appalling semester. It seems the closer I get to graduating the worse I do. From a C in Differential Equations and Discrete Math last semester, to failing Multivariate Calculus and holding on by a thread in Linear Algebra this year. I keep feeling that if I had it to do over I could have done better. In hindsight I can see exactly where I went wrong and what I should have done differently. But hindsight is always a day late and a dollar short.
I think for the past couple years I’ve been holding on to handy excuses. It was convenient to blame my shortfalls on the grief of a break up, the recovery from surgeries, and the adjustment to medications. But excuses have expiration dates. They’re only valid for so long before one must accept that it happened and move on. I’m never going to get over these two men. We don’t just over people we’ve cared about. We simply learn to appropriate the emotion. I can’t continue to dedicate emotional real estate to people that have long since left.
It’s always easy to list the changes that need to be made and talking about when, where, and how they’ll be made. But it’s quite difficult to actually do it. Two years ago I was ok, and then everything went bad and for the last two years I’ve been trying to get back to that point where I was ok. Sorta like some personality restore point.
But we don’t get to go back. Life doesn’t come with do-overs. We simply dust off and keep going forward. Perhaps that’s why things have been so consistently difficult. I’ve been trying to go against the grain. Instead of moving forward with the natural momentum of life, I’ve been trying to go backwards to a time that no longer exists.
Yesterday is something I can never see again. Tomorrow however is a much more attainable goal.
So spring break is over. All in all it wasn’t too bad. Got some sleep, had a fling, did some research and I’m ready to come back and finish this semester with a bang. It may be too late to correct the mistakes of the first half, but it’s not too late to preempt any mistakes of second half.
Here we go.