This is what it feels like when I’m off my meds. I never quite know where my mind is at or where it’s going. If I’m not constantly mindful of my triggers I can go from being okay to being broken down in tears in an instant. It’s exhausting having to constantly be aware of my feelings. I think the majority of people can go through their entire day and never stop to question what they’re feeling, why they’re feeling it, and how to deal with it.
I start every morning telling myself that I’m going to be ok. I go through a mental list of all the things that are going right in my life. I make sure to remind myself how far I’ve come. I picture the me I want to be and then I turn off the buzzing alarm and set out to make it all happen.
And for that moment everything is okay.
Downtime is my enemy. Bits of unoccupied time that are easily penetrated by some invading thought. It’s hardest at night. This is when I get restless. This is when my thoughts get sad. This is when I start missing the little bits of happiness I had preserved in people that are no longer in my life.
These are the times I feel completely alone.
I scroll through my facebook and smile for all the great things happening for the people I love. The careers, marriages, babies, causes, graduations, and other triumphs. I browse through the pictures of smiling people living their lives in the world that I constantly feel so isolated from.
When I’m off my meds it’s hard for me to redirect. One thought leads into another which leads into another. It all happens so fast and before I know what’s going on I’ve lost my grip. I start missing all the wrong people. I start needing all the wrong things. I start dismissing my accomplishments and doubting my possibilities.
These are the dark moments.
These are the times when I’m hopeless and broken. This is when it’s really hard not to open the door and walk away.
Then it’s over. It passes and releases its grip on my mind.
I wipe the tears from my eyes and go to sleep.
Tomorrow it will start all over again.